I'll be having a blue Christmas

I've had the best time decorating my home for the holidays this year!  It's not something I've really been into since my dear mom passed away in 2003. Without her artistic skill and floral design tweaks that would transform the ugliest Christmas trinket into something of beauty, I've felt lost in the decorating phase of the season for so long.

Oh yeah, and that 5+ year period where my DH was actively into his drinking hobby, ripping and roaring through the holiday season like a drunken Santa. That just might have added to my non-decorating phase too.

In 2007, a few weeks before Christmas, I moved out of THAT chaos a few weeks before Christmas. I was lonely, frightened, dealing with the insanity of co-dependency, and didn't give a rat's ass whether Christmas came or not. Although I swore I wouldn't be decorating that year (hard to find space for the tree when you're crying more than unpacking). But darn it all if I didn't pull up my bootstraps, dig the tree out of the piles of boxes and ended up putting up a tree about 3 days before Christmas. It wasn't my mother's artistic masterpiece, but I know she was smiling down from above and I could faintly hear her saying "That's my girl!"

So in the ensuing years, I have worked hard to recreate my mother's design to the letter, pouring over photos of past Christmases searching for as many photos of that damn tree I could find!  This year, I decided to ditch the old decos and strike out on my own, using a soft teal blue, silver and white ornaments, floral picks and ribbon. While I've been designing my own masterpiece, I've really felt my mom's spirit here guiding me. The lights were a nightmare (we had 1300 on my old 9ft tree) and took 2 days on & off. I mean seriously, what's up with one half of the string not lighting when it was perfectly lit when I put it away last year. I have just about determined I should just throw this year's lights away and start fresh every year, but the frugal me can't quite pull the trigger yet.

So then comes the ribbon, woven in and out of the tree, but it's got to look like that, not just ribbon sitting on branches. And truthfully, it really looks better with 2 complementary colors, so I had to "weave" twice.  I channeled sweet Mom a lot during this phase. Then the crystal-like garland, where the strands can't be too high as not to look natural, but not so low they drag the lower branches. We're looking for the perfect delicate loop!  Ornaments are fairly quick, but then comes the floral picks etc that she always added that made it look so rich and designer-like. I've been collecting some over the past few years, knowing I wanted to go with the blue theme eventually, but placing them so they "finish" the tree is tricky and I've been fiddling with them on & off ever since I considered myself finished (last Friday). Don't judge, I'm probably not the only person re-arranging their tree decorations during the season (but I bet I'm in a very small minority, huh?)  I think I figured out which side of the family tree my perfectionist tendencies fell from...

The tree skirt is a beautiful ivory brocade-looking fabric and I even wrapped some fake presents in blue and silver paper & bows to place under the tree! I'm almost proud of it! Not proud enough to post a photo, but I'm too lazy to go downstairs and take it.

So yes, I'll be having a blue Christmas, but in a good way, with my own "talent" gleaned from faithfully watching my sweet super-talented mom all those many years.

Miss you, love you Mom! Thanks for your words of encouragement that would pop into my head from time to time. Hope I made you proud! (And I hope you noticed the blue is the color of your beautiful blue eyes!)

I've been to rock bottom, and this ain't it!

My husband is an alcoholic in "remission".  I can't bring myself to write "recovering" because there is no permanent cure for this disease.

I frequent many blogs of those that have loved ones similarly afflicted because although my husband has been in remission for almost 5 years, I have to remember where I came from. I know that this disease can become full-blown in a matter of a single decision.  I know his disease is over in the corner doing push-ups, willing and wanting to come back into his life.  I read these blogs because I care so much about these wonderful folks who pour their heart out, many who come to find themselves disappointed again and again.

Putting my job loss in the perspective of major events in my life, I know there is no hell greater than living in a home with active alcoholism. The days seem so dark, the seasons pass without notice, and when I wasn't busy trying to control the drinking, control the fallout b/c of the drinking, or scream and yell about the wrongs of the alcoholic, I would curl up into a fetal position and dream of better days.  This ain't rock bottom, by any stretch.

Making the decision to move out of the home I shared with my alcoholic was the most painful decision I have ever made. When I made it, I did it quickly before I could change my mind. And it was hard, and I cried, and mourned for all that had changed since I took my vows, and I cried some more. No, losing my job is a drop in the bucket compared to that.

So I held my resolve, learned to enjoy coming home to an empty yet oh-so-peaceful house, and followed his counselor's proposed plan of not communicating with my husband for 30 days. As the days wore on, I lost a lot of the anger I had, and I started missing him, wishing we could be together for the holidays, if only... The pain of being fired cannot compare with longing to be with one you love, but knowing you have to save yourself, and not really wanting to.

By the miracle of God, my husband decided to stop drinking a few months after I left. On his own. With no help from me. Huh? How did THAT happen? Slowly, we began to talk and see each other again.  My wounded heart was cautious but optimistic.

My story has a happy ending. We're back together, he is actively working his "remission", and our lives are no longer filled with day-to-day drama. So many others don't get happy endings, either through divorce, death, or just giving up and living through it. I am so thankful for our outcome, and my heart breaks for those that continue to live through this insanity. Everyone's rock bottom is different, and for me, losing my job -- well, this just ain't it.

Epiphany!

Day 4 of unemployment. Distracting myself until Judge Joe Brown comes on at 3pm has not been very satisfying, I'm finding.  Oh, I can do it, and do it well!  Distracting myself is one of my most refined skills.  But those 2 voices in my head, Whiny Baby and Bad-ass Bitch, continue to chatter non-stop, and it's really harshing my distraction, not to mention confusing the hell out of me.

On the up side, I have gotten out of bed each morning when hubby does, and the first thing we do is make the bed, because I KNOW that unmade bed would attack and grab me the moment I walked back into the bedroom.  A short walk with the dogs, a couple of bowls of kibble, a trip up the stairs to dress (ok, I admit, SOMETIMES shower) and then I'm left with all this free time, reams of lists of things to do (Bad-ass voice) but feeling lost and uneasy (Whiny Baby voice).

What do I want?  Why do I feel antsy? So a little bit ago, I decided to face the music and determine what is it that is making me feel so uncomfortable?  Routine!  In my work life, if it was Thursday, I was doing X.  I need to figure out a routine during these days of unemployment, just like work-work.  Parts of work-work were routine and maintenance-oriented but other parts were available to fill with projects and tasks of my own discretion.  Where to begin?

I checked out Fly-Lady. Blech!!  Who needs another boss at this stage of the game? And those cutesy names she applies to tasks and tools annoyed me from the start. I don't do cutesy well.  Plenty of sites about stay at home moms but I got lost in all the absolute unappealing crap these moms have to handle!  Kudos to moms! Don't know how you do it and stay sane!  Ugh, I just may be left to own devices to come up with a plan, but on the up side, it COULD be done on the couch surrounded by MY three, furry, snugly "kids", I'm betting!  Score!  I'm SO attracted to tasks that can be done with little energy involved!

Unfortunately, house work seems so much more important when you have no time to do it than it does when you have seemingly endless hours to fill.  But yet, I VALUE a clean, tidy home, and there is nothing better to me than waking up to one.  I just need to figure out a way to indulge both voices, be productive and active yet take care of myself and enjoy some of these moments of my new-found freedom.

I think I'm going to go work on that now.  Onward & upward!

Reboot

Now I have all this time on my hands. Time I knew just what I'd do with if only I wasn't working. Courtesy of the boss-man, and our "philosophical" differences, that time has come.

This, the 2nd business day of my unemployment, has not left me feeling like curling up into a fetal position, so things are looking up. I find a little comfort in remembering that I didn't want to be doing THAT job forever, anyway. Immense comfort in knowing I no longer have to worry about walking in on the boss-man (BM) or his girlfriend sharing a joint in the comfort of the corner of the far-reaches of the business, nor do I get to wonder why 2 guys went into the one-person bathroom TOGETHER. Ok, yes, I admit, there were "philosophical" differences - my philosophy is that illegal drugs have no business in the workplace, his philosophy quite the opposite.

I'm also comforted by all the outpouring of sympathy & shock from former co-workers and the former owner after my 14-year run. But 6 months with the new owner had me dreading, with every fiber of my being, walking into that place each morning. Oh! That brings up another plus! No more emptying my breakfast into the porcelain throne before walking out the door each morning! 

But unfortunately, no matter how much I prepared for this event, longed for it, even, my self-esteem is in that same place I emptied the contents of my stomach. THAT so-and-so rejected ME??? And now his aerobics instructor can just take up where I left off? Hey, dude, I know you never bothered to find out what I actually did, but trust me, I was using my brain, not my body, ok?  Not that there's anything wrong with aerobic instructors...

So I decided I must brush up on my skills. I am convinced a potential employer will find real worth in knowing I just achieved my highest score EVER in Bubble Shooter! And I have found that I am super good at making lists of things I really, really wanted to do, before this whole "philosophy" thing reared it's ugly head. The execution of said lists? Not so much...

The bottom line is, I have been "gifted" with an opportunity to reinvent myself, find my passion, explore the possibilities and all that kinda stuff,  and I'm just not feeling all that grateful today. This, too, shall pass.  I mean, I fought cancer (won!), lost my beloved mother to cancer after a 4-year battle, made it through 5+ years of active alcohol use by my spouse, lived through 18 months of unemployment due to said drinking, lost a home in the process, and I am on the other side where life is good again, and serenity isn't just a possibility, it's my daily reality. So, really, BM, this is a drop in the old life bucket!

I just can't get over the irony of my spouse losing his job because of drinking and drugging, and I lose my job because I don't. I find (sick) humor in that.

Ok, time to reboot into the next phase on this journey called life!